Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
