Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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