At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
