and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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