A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
