You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
