Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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