The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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