dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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