All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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