Apparently you make a good broom.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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