Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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