I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
don't judge my taste in strippers
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
