i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
