I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
