The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
