exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
