The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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