Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
