I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
