I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize