how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
