ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
