Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
