Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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