I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
