Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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