How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
And then he peed in my hair
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
