So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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