After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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