If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
