just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
