I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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