i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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