What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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