The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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