We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
