Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
NoShamevember. You game?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
