I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I AM VODKA MAN
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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