Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
