Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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