i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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