my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
