dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
