so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
