So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
