im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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