I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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