My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize