Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
