i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
