how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
