At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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