i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
