I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
