Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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