yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
