You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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