just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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