upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
