apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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